"Lenten FAIL" or "Well, maybe not"

I am stuck feeling like I failed at Lent this year.  That statement betrays so much of the broken theology ingrained in my soul, but I feel like every year I look forward to Lent as a contemplative, challenging time for my faith to be strengthen, and this year has been a let down.  My (misguided) attitude toward Lent is as a 40-day spiritual boot camp.  This year though, I feel like so much has been going on, that Lenten disciplines were all pushed into the background.  That is, until I think about how selfish my Lenten disciplines sounded in the first place, and I have to remember what I really wanted out of running and not drinking anyway.

I have been training for the Holy Saturday Half Marathon (formally known as T.D.M.), and thinking about it, training has actually been going ok.  I have made some major progress in accepting my body as a part of me, and not a traitorous villain.  Let me explain. 

My notion of 'me-ness' has always lived somewhere in the area of my head.  I think this is because in my life I primarily experience the world through my senses of sight, sound, and taste.  Yet, when I watch a dancer, I get this impression that she knows exactly where her arms are going, that her body is something more than just the vessel of her brain.  I long for that, to inhabit my body, and not just throw my feet in a general direction and hope they agree it would be a good placement.  Being isolated from your body also makes it very easy to see as an enemy.  If you don't like what you see in the mirror, there is something to be mad at.  And if you feel no ownership of your body, then why would you care for it anyway?  It's escapism at it most extreme. 
Through the training process I have been learning to respect my body in a new way and am starting to see it as part of me, not an enemy of me.   That is huge for me.  It's very exciting, and is helping my understand my relationship to God as Creator in a much deeper way.  I just need more reflection time with that.
Okay, so no fail there.

The other part, not drinking for Lent.  Well, to be honest, it probably just that I was drinking more than I should have on the front side of Lent, and it was a convenient way to throw the brakes on and give my liver a break.  I cheated when I went out to Long Island for a mini-vacation, and then again for St. Patrick's Day, and then for Third Thursdays, and then for my mom's visit to town.  It seems like why even try anymore.  Oh, I also cheated Wednesday with the rest of the church staff when we went to the bar for Eric's birthday.  Giving up alcohol didn't cause me to reflect or pray more this year; it was a poorly chosen "sacrifice" from the beginning.  I did it for me.

So maybe I didn't "fail" per say, that's too harsh and assessment; I must remember to let myself be a human.  Maybe I just came the realization that I forgot all about what Lent is. 

Here's to a contemplative and challenging Holy Week.



Also, my car died last night.  RIP Suzuki Esteem.  I loved you and you were good to me.

"3 Cent Blessings" or "I'MNOTPMSINGNOWGETOFFMYBACKANDUNDERSTANDTHATIAMJUSTKINDAPRAYINGGEEZANDWHILEYOURATITGETSOMEICECREAMONYOURWAYHOME!"

I admit it.  I have been pretty emotional lately.  I would be easy to go into default, blaming PMS, but I have never really been impacted emotionally by my menstrual cycle.  Perhaps because I have recently started exercising seriously for the first time since 4th grade, maybe my body is just reacting differently than I am used to. The human body does do strange things.  And then, maybe it's the new relationship-thing in my life: that coupled with the impending September move could be causing the wider and more rapidly changing slew of emotions.

But, I'm pretty sure it's answered prayer.  This year, during Lent, I have given up alcohol (as usual), and started exercising (for a half marathon, and also for a new years resolution; Easter is kind of like
Christian New Years). But as an added discipline (and I need that word, discipline, applied very loosely) I have also renewed a prayer that I forgot I was no longer praying.  It usually goes something like this:

"Father, let me taste and see your goodness.  Open my eyes to all your beauty in the small things.  Let that be my daily bread."

It always seems to be answered too. (Like with the LSD/Holy Spirit incident assisted by Henri Nouwen about this time last year.  See my post about being afflicted by thigmorphilla.)


I had a good friend who was praying the same thing with how he lived his life. We would often end a day talking about all those little surprise revelations, usually over "pint-sized" blessings.  I guess, we would in a way RE'count our blessings', without the cognitive tally.    These conversations were a type of praise, of worship.

My friend moved away, and has ceased to be a daily reminder for me to continue this practice.  I guess I just forgot to pray.  I miss that type of worship, especially when lately, my prayers of relying on God look more and more like a stress relief wish list.  Yesterday, I also saw a friend from back home Chicago had updated his facebook status to "I can think of nothing good, except submitting two scholarships, that happened today."  That made me so sad.

So, in an effort to begin again, as I often do, here is an inexhaustive list of the small blessings from the beginning of to today, waking until getting to work. 

- There was sunshine outside my curtains when I woke up.


- I went for the teapot, and there was already enough water left from the roomies for my oatmeal.


- On my way out I realize that I needed 3 cents more for coffee.  I keep change in a big 5Gal. water jug, that is hard to get change out of once it is in (that's the point).  I found 3 cents in the first alternative place I looked.

- When I walked out my front door, there was a sunshine immediately on my face and an unidentified child walking up the stairs. The first person I talked to/greeted this morning was a child.

- My Deli Guys had my coffee ready (small, no sugar, little bit of milk, napkin please) and I got to skip the line of high school students ordering sandwiches.

- I got a new monthly Metro card at work yesterday, because someone else was grabbing one, not knowing that this morning my current one was not going to have expired.

- The line in the Khrusty Brothers song Every Time A Lie song came on the headphones. "So I was sipping on my whiskey in Kentucky-town, where the top-shelf burboun is a Jim Beam brown", reminding me of my wanderlust, and the beauty in the commonplace and average of most of America, even if it is about liquor at 8:30 in the morning.

- I got a seat on the train while still in Brooklyn.

- There was an article on the NYTimes iPhone app.  called "JFK Condolence Letters Published for 1st Time".  It's about a new book complied of letters Americans write to Jackie after JFK's assassination.  After reading,  I was thinking about human connections, and that what creates the most intense connection (between non-lovers, and even then, maybe lovers, I wouldn't know) is sharing our
purest, most singular revelations. Which all led me to thinking about my pure, singular revelations.  Which reminded me of my forgotten prayer, and led me to sharing this morning.

- Mike bought my Americano for me this morning.


Blessings!